Celebrations can feel lonely. Sometimes our excitement over an event is met with indifference from those close to us. I find this especially true on birthdays, when the expectation is celebration—but the reality is that on a day when you expect to be seen and known and loved, you can feel even more lonely. But here’s something I’ve learned: Inviting others in to celebrate with you is essential to not feeling alone.
Before you let yourself feel rejected by your friends and family, ask yourself these questions:
“Did I share this event with anyone?
Or tell anyone I wanted to celebrate?
Did I tell them how I wanted to celebrate?
Could I have invited others in to celebrate with me?”
Birthdays can be disappointing
I remember my 29th birthday, 13 days after having my first baby, feeling incredibly sad and lonely. It was the first time I was not at a school or workplace with people around to celebrate with me all day. Those post-baby hormones were no help either, and I couldn’t shake this lonely feeling until my husband came home for dinner.
Then the next year, my 30th birthday passed without fanfare, and I felt disappointed in the lack of celebration as I stepped into a new decade. And as I reflected on my sadness, I realized some of my friends at the time didn’t even know it was my 30th birthday. Because I thought it was selfish to say, “Hey, guess what, I’m turning 30 this week!”
Last year I turned 40 and I decided this birthday was not going to pass without some kind of celebration. But then three weeks of COVID quarantine happened, followed by a full week of snow days. Y’all, I’m talking more snow than this Mississippi girl has ever seen in her life!
Silence the “what ifs” and offer the invitation
I almost just let it go. Because you see from the picture above, I was happy and with my family. But I wanted some girl time, and to let my Bible study friends know that I was excited about entering into a new decade.
I considered it for a few days (and by this I mean, anxiously overthought the issue over and over again). When I finally caught some courage, I sent a group message and said, “My 40th birthday was yesterday, and I would love to get together for some cake, coffee, and conversation.” And they all showed up. Praise the Lord.
What I’m learning when birthdays feel lonely
It felt awkward to say I want to celebrate myself, but if I hadn’t said it—another disappointing birthday would have passed. I wouldn’t have been disappointed in anyone around me, just myself.
We assume that if friends and family love us, they will know how to celebrate us. But I’ve learned that’s not how it works. If we want something, we have to use our voices and speak up for what we want. There is nothing selfish about saying, “This is how I want to celebrate my birthday…”
Inviting others in is part of community
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Romans 12:15
By remaining quiet about our desires, we push ourselves further into isolation. Speaking up and showing up is part of community.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice” could also say let others rejoice with you. Someone has to share their joy. It might as well be you and me, right? But we share with the intention that we are ready and willing to share in another’s joy also.
Let friends join you in your happiness. Are you excited about a promotion? Share it with someone! Are you happy that you worked out 30 days in a row? Tell a friend! It’s your birthday? Invite friends over!
I think the problem is that we don’t feel close enough to people to share what’s really going on in our lives. We think others don’t care because we haven’t given them the opportunity to show that they do care.
I encourage you, friend, to grow close enough to someone that you can share your happiness and your grief with her. Rejoice and grieve with her, so that she is more than happy to rejoice and grieve with you.
“Whether it’s a milestone birthday, a promotion at work, or anything else you deem worthy of a major moment, don’t wait on someone else to throw you a party. You can host your own event celebrating…YOU. It’s not weird. It’s fun. And it’s better than a pity party.”
–Laura Tremaine, 8 Tips to Celebrate Yourself
Don’t believe the lies that you are unworthy
Inviting others in to celebrate with you is better than feeling sorry for yourself. When we feel lonely, we think no one cares and that we have been purposefully rejected. Satan whispers these lies to us making us fearful to reach out.
But you are not alone. God sees and hears all your tears and innermost anxious thoughts. He knows you feel lonely, and He provides comfort to all those who ask. So let’s pray and ask God for guidance now:
Dear God, We don’t want our birthdays and celebrations to feel lonely. We know that you love us and that you made us to live in community with others. Help us to show up for our lives, to make intentional decisions that move us closer to living interconnected with others. Show us our people, our villages and our intimate friends who can celebrate and grieve with us. Place on our hearts the people that we should call, text, write, and invite. Give us the courage to live in community with others. Because of Jesus we can pray, Amen.
Leave a Reply