What’s Saving My Life Right Now:  Friendship Edition

This post is inspired by podcast episode #268 of The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman.

There was a faded yellow Post It note that stayed in my purple Bible for two decades. I’m not sure if the paper was actually faded or if the lighter shade of yellow was the color of Post It notes in the 90’s. Written on this paper were two or three verses from the book of Proverbs.

These verses were my notes for my first “devotional.” I was in high school, not even a Christian, but a regular visitor with a friend. There were four girls in the class and the teacher had asked us to pick a topic, find some verses, and then talk about it with the group for a few minutes.

I threw out that paper a few years ago, but recently the memory came back to me about the topic I chose. It was friendship. At 17-years-old, friendship was important enough to me to talk about it with other teen girls. And at 42, here I am still sharing what I’m learning about friendship. Isn’t it amazing that we’ve always been who we were supposed to be? We just don’t always know it.

It took me a long time, and a writing coach, to come back around to friendship after that first devotional. I was telling my writing coach what I wanted my readers to know. She listens, then says, “I hear you repeating these words:  community, connection, friendship, not alone.” To her, it was obvious what I wanted to write about, but I couldn’t see it without help.

It’s clear that friendships are important to me, but that doesn’t mean they come easily for me. My Enneagram and MBTI personality test results both remind me, “You long to connect, but don’t know how.” These things that are saving my life right now are all things I’ve had to learn, and they still take work for me to do. If I go through my days on autopilot, only doing what is comfortable for me, then the people I love will be ignored and feel forgotten.

These friendship practices that are saving my life require intentionality from me, but the result is worth the work.

1. Being the Initiator

My biggest fear when I offer an invitation is not that the person will say no. It’s the thought that I’ve put pressure on them to make a decision, and what if they want to say “no” but don’t know how. Hilariously, I’m putting my own fears onto someone else. I am the one that hates the pressure of making a decision, and I am the one that doesn’t like to say “no.” I falsely assume others are like me. I’ve learned it’s not my responsibility to worry about someone else’s reactions. All I can do is offer the invite and see who God brings to my life.

2. Saying yes to the invitation

I will overthink any and everything. Even a simple invitation. If I don’t stop myself, I will consider the invite for days trying to guess the person’s motive for inviting me, wondering who else will be there, what will we talk about, what if I have nothing to say, etc. I’ve learned that it takes less energy to just say yes. I say yes—then pray the whole way on the drive there!

3. Quitting Comparison

As an introvert, my social life will not look like a more outgoing extrovert’s social life. Accepting that my friend list will not look like someone else’s is key to being content with my friendship circles, no matter how small they are.

4. Facing Conflict

I wrote a whole blog post on this, and I’m still learning and growing in this area. Relationships feel like landmines for conflict, one misstep and it explodes. But conflict can actually be a place of connecting more deeply. When I share something that hurts, it can bring us closer together. Sometimes conflict in a relationship means asking myself hard questions about why a relationship is not working, then taking steps toward what I need in that relationship. If I value the friendship, then I must not let apathy and laziness take over, I must put in effort to repair broken connections.

5. Staying Hopeful

I never realized how my thoughts skewed towards negative thinking until examining my relationships. Everytime I speak up, I assume there will be conflict. Whenever I make an invitation, I assume the answer will be no. When a friend doesn’t text back right away, I assume I’ve done something wrong. Living in fear this way is a terrible way to live. I must intentionally change my thinking to believe that the people around me actually want to be with me.

“Believing the best in someone takes less energy than assuming the worst.”
Laura Tremaine, The Life Council

Upon reading this list, I realize I can sum it all up in one word—courage. Each one of these takes courage on my part:

Offering an invitation takes courage
when there is a possibility of rejection.

Saying yes and showing up take courage
when I’m more comfortable at home with a book and a blanket.

Admitting that what I have is enough is courageous
when it looks like someone else has more and better than me.

Facing conflict requires courage because
it’s vulnerable to speak up, and it could mean the end of a relationship.

Having hope is courageous because
disappointment is always a possibility too.

Friendships are important to me AND I wish they were easier. I encourage you to think about your friendships and create your own list of what’s saving your life—or you might call them your friendship philosophies (like Laura Tremaine does here).

May your eyes be opened to the ones already in your corner.
May you have the courage to seek after what you feel is missing.

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