Meaningful relationships are an important part of living a healthy life. Along with the emotional turmoil of loneliness, research shows that loneliness also affects our physical lives—a shorter life, for example. We know that relationships are good for our souls (and bodies), but so many of us still struggle with loneliness. I would like to know, what is holding us back? And what is the role of courage in relationships?
Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For the Lord your God is the one who will go with you; he will not leave you or abandon you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6 CSB
I have two answers, based on what I’ve seen in my own life: fear and laziness. I fear not doing it right (as if there is one way to deepen a relationship). Also, I fear rejection or causing a negative reaction in someone else. And coupled with fear is laziness—it’s easier to ruminate on all the thoughts in my head than it is to actually make a move. Can you relate?
Maybe your fears are different than mine…
But there are a lot of us staying in our “safe” corners of the world waiting for someone to reach out to us. If each one of us showed more courage to be the one reaching out, think how many more individuals would feel seen, known, valued, and loved. How many would feel less lonely?
“I automatically think that closing down is safe, but…staying open and loving is safer, because then we’re connected to all that life and love.”
—Anne Lammott, Bird by Bird
A Personal Story of Courage
A few years ago, my family changed churches. It was hard to be the new fish in a sea of tightly-knit schools of fish that already knew the right streams for swimming. Do I just jump in and start swimming? Do I wait for an invitation from the fish that are zipping along here to there? I was waiting for another fish to hold out its fin and pull me along.
At my previous congregation where we worshipped, my favorite thing was a women’s book club/Bible study. And this new church had a couple women’s Bible studies, so I decided I should start there. I reached out to a person I knew the most at that time:
“Do you go to this Bible study?”
“I don’t, but Jane might be there.”
“What about this other Bible study?”
“No, I don’t know anyone that goes to that one.”
“Is there a study where I can be around other stay-at-home-moms?”
I was desperate at this point and knew if she said “no” that I was going to start a book study. But luckily there was a group that was meeting. They were finishing a book, and I could join when they started the next one. My closest relationships at my church started in this group. What if I never had the courage to ask?
Courage Isn’t Always Loud
Texting someone and inviting yourself to a Bible study may not seem very courageous to you. But for me, it was huge! I went back and forth for days thinking about how I needed to plug in somewhere, and do I want to go this study or that study, should I start a study in my own house, and what if no one shows up?
Looking back, I can see that the courage it took me to speak up without first being invited, to say “Hey, I need people!” But what if I hadn’t done that. If I had chosen the “safe” thing, I could’ve missed out on some beautiful, meaningful connection and relationships.
What kind of courage do we need in relationships?
I have some ideas…
Courage to be Awkward. We don’t always know the right thing to say or do. And we’re worried we might look desperate or make the wrong choice. But we must remember awkward is better than lonely.
“…not knowing what to say or the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing debilitates us. The result? No one shows up. Yet awkward is better than alone.”
–Alexandra Kuykendall, Loving My Actual Neighbor
Courage to Face Rejection. Sometimes the answer is no. Can we live with ourselves if we’ve been rejected? Rejection is hard, and that is why confidence in our identity in God is needed. Even when others reject us, God sees us as treasure, his redeemed, whom he loves very much.
Courage to Do It Wrong. As much as we try, we are not perfect. We will mess up. Wouldn’t we rather our mistakes be in reaching out than in staying isolated. What will make our future selves most proud—that we tried and failed a few times or that we stayed safe by not trying at all?”
Courage to be Seen. It takes courage to say, “This is me. Here I am, flaws and all.” The good news is that this takes time. We can reveal ourselves little by little. Courage is for the small steps as much as it is for the huge leaps.
Courage to Act. Our thoughts and feelings feel safe staying in our heads. No one is rejecting us or saying we’re dumb. The actual action we take towards our desires and dreams is what makes us vulnerable.
Courage to Grow. Change requires a whole lot more energy than staying the same. Courage is the push you need to make that change happen. One of my friends said recently, “If you’re not growing, you’re dying.” We were talking about something else, but it applies here too.
God is Love
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.
2 Timothy 1:7 CSB
When we’re given a choice between love and fear, we must remember this: God is love. Love moves towards others and not away. Jesus did not hide from the ones that would reject him—he engaged, even when it got awkward, even when he knew he would be rejected. Jesus relied on his Father for courage, and how great it is that we can also!
A Prayer for Courage to Connect and Grow
Lord, help us to recognize the fear that prevents us from bearing fruit in our relationships. Give us courage to move with confidence and love, knowing that you are there with us even in the awkward and even when we face rejection. Your love compels us to move forward, to connect, and to grow. Help us to know your nearness when our steps require courage. Amen.
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