Kind words are like honey—
sweet to the soul and healthy for the body
Proverbs 16:24
When we read the Bible, it feels very others focused. We are commanded to give, to serve, to love, to speak with kindness and to treat with compassion. And if I’m being honest, for a long time I never considered giving those things to myself—all of my resources should be used for the good of others. Does that sound familiar? Does it feel selfish to say, “I can’t do that because I have to take care of myself first.” Today I want to share with you how kindness to yourself becomes kindness to others.
Start with Your Heart’s Garden
Let’s go back to the garden example. If you pick produce from an actual garden, you know that you can only share with others what you’ve actually grown. You can’t give away blueberries when you only grew strawberries. So if we’re going to give away love and compassion, love and compassion must first grow in our own hearts.
Kindness to Yourself Begins with Receiving
How do we grow kindness and compassion in our hearts? It may be less about growing than receiving.
The things as Christians that we want to give others are gifts we can receive from God. The fruits of His Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—are abundant if we’re looking for them and receiving them with open hands and hearts. These Bible verses show that God is the giver of all the above listed fruits.
The more we abide with Him—praying for Spirit-like qualities, seeking His wisdom over our own, walking each step relying on Him—the more those good fruits will grow in us.
God is slow to anger and abounding in love. He treats us gently and tenderly, and I am almost positive that you treat yourself much harsher than God does. To overcome our overcritical nature, we must examine the way we see God and the way God sees us.
How Do You See God?
Do you imagine God as…
a hypercritical parent?
a disappointed teacher?
a game show host waiting to press the buzzer and say, “Wrong!”?
a fancy shop owner watching to make sure you or your kids don’t break anything?
The Bible tells us God is like a mother bird protecting her eggs, a safe shelter, and a shepherd. Yes, he is a judge, but He’s also a grace giver, a healer, and a helper.
If you imagine God as a judge watching your every move, just waiting for an opportunity to punish you, then you will live in fear of doing the wrong thing. Instead of letting your light shine, my friend, then you will live in hiding.
If we imagine God as a father who lovingly guides and corrects, comforts and protects, then we are more courageous because we know He is there even when we make mistakes, with grace and mercy abounding.
How Does God See You?
You are a child of God, an heir of His righteousness. You have been saved from being a slave to sin, and you have been set free from the laws of man (not the actual laws, but the ones we put on ourselves based on others’ expectation of us).
God desires your nearness, not your perfection. God gives you free will to choose how to live your life and He is not a nitpicker or a nagger. So why do we think it’s ok to be so critical to one of God’s own beloved ones?
We Treat Others How We Treat Ourselves
I remember the day I read in Romans how much grace God offers me. And then my eyes were opened to how much grace I should be giving others—even the ones I didn’t think deserved it. Because I don’t deserve it either.
It works for qualities besides grace too. The more kind I am to myself, the more kindness I have to give others, because I recognize my own need for kindness. When I see how much patience I need from God and others, then I see how much patience those around me also require. When I receive love from God, I have so much more to give others.
How You Speak to Yourself Matters
The words that are in your head and heart become the words you speak to others. I don’t have research on this or Bible verses to point you to, but I’ve known it to be true in my own life. And some intelligent, thoughtful people have said the same thing:
“It’s difficult to build toward compassion—toward ourselves or others—if we continue to be highly critical of everything around us.”
—Aundi Kobler
“We can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.”
—Brene Brown
“Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others.”
—Bryant H McGill
“Without affection for ourselves, without softness on the inside, without being kind to ourselves, we will always be tired.”
—Kendra Adachi
You know how you act when you’re tired, right? Cranky, critical, stressed. This is why living softly and tenderly starts with taking care of our very own hearts. We put on our oxygen masks first, but it’s not so that we can only help ourselves—it’s so that we’re able to care for others. We practice words of kindness on ourselves so we can give true kindness to those around us and not just words we think are kind.
How to be Kind to Yourself
- Forgive yourself for past mistakes. I John 1:9 is a reminder that if we confess our sins, God forgives. Don’t let past missteps allow you to be cruel to yourself.
- Don’t be so hard on yourself for current (or future) mistakes. “We all make mistakes” is exactly what you would tell a friend. You can remind yourself that no one is perfect and no matter how hard you try, you will mess up somewhere. That may be hard for you to accept, but you don’t have to be perfect to receive God’s goodness.
- Open your eyes to God’s grace. God is a grace giver, He desires to show mercy over judgement, and He is extremely patient. Friend, don’t criticize yourself more than God does.
- Take care of yourself. You have so much more to give when you have received first. You want your kind words to come from a good, true place and not just what you think you should say.
- Find happiness triggers. I love this post on Instagram from one of the authors of a book on parenting triggers. Instead of just avoiding anger triggers, find ones that bring happiness.
- Rest and Restore. Your rest should be a time of restoration and replenishment, filling up your bucket from the well that never runs dry. He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3).
- Speak positive affirmations over yourself. You may not believe them at first, but if you say them enough, you’ll begin to believe them.
- Don’t carry the burden of other people’s opinions. Don’t let what you think others will say, think, or feel about you change who you are. Know what matters to you, and make choices based on what will help you live your best, most God-pleasing life.
“Showing yourself kindness every day isn’t meant to puff you up. It’s meant to help you remember that you are made from and surrounded by the Divine and that he delights in you as you are.”
—Kendra Adachi, The Lazy Genius Way, p. 189
Give Kind Words to Yourself Too
Kind words are sweet, not just for the souls of others, but for your own soul too. Positive self-talk has benefits more than just making you feel good; that goodness and truth spills over to those around you.
Be kind with yourself, not because you’re perfect or selfish, but because you are created in the image of God who loves you and wants to give you good gifts. Receive his love, grace, and mercy that he pours out abundantly on those that call him Father.
Practice treating yourself softly and tenderly so that you’ll give others a soft place to land.
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