Speaking Words of Life that Build Up Others

Gentle words are a tree of life
Proverbs 15:4a NLT

Can you think of a time when you were hurt by someone’s words? Maybe it was a parent, a teacher, your spouse, a friend, or someone you don’t even know. You can probably name something that was said recently and I would bet you could even recall something that was said a very long time ago that you haven’t forgotten. You can probably even remember a time when your own words weren’t speaking words of life to yourself.

Hopefully, you can also remember a time when you were encouraged by someone’s words. A friend giving you some courage, your spouse cheering you up, a teacher naming your gift, a stranger complimenting your hair or outfit that day.

We Remember the Negative More Than the Positive

If you’re like me, you probably have more memories of the negative things that have been said about you than you do of positive statements. It’s not because we’ve only been surrounded by rude people, it’s because our brains have an automatic bias toward negative information. We remember the negative to keep us safe from danger, negative information is like a warning sign that there is trouble ahead.

That doesn’t mean that we’ll never remember the positive things our friends say to us, thankfully. But we do need more positive words being spoken to us than negative to feel safe and close to that person. According to relationship researcher John Gottman, the “magic ratio” is 5:1. For every negative statement you hear, it takes five positive statement to counteract the negative.

Speaking Words of Life to Others

To speak life over people, we must be willing to speak five times as many positive statements as we are negative ones. We have an opportunity to show others the love of Jesus with our words. Everyday we make choices, intentional or unintentional, to build up or destroy with our words.

It Takes More to Build Up than to Destroy

My family does puzzles sometimes. It takes hours, days sometimes, to finish a large puzzle. It takes time and intentionally putting the right pieces in the right places to build something. We can’t just throw all the pieces all the table and expect them to land properly. But after the puzzle is complete and we’ve enjoyed looking at the project for a few days, it’s time to take it apart. Can you guess how long it takes to take the puzzle apart? Minutes. There’s no thinking through each piece, it’s just grab and throw—grab pieces in your hands and throw them in the box. It takes more time to build and make something beautiful than it does to take it apart.

The same goes for our words:  It takes more time to build up, to encourage and support, than it does to destroy. It’s so easy to just carelessly throw words out and hope they land in the right place or not even caring where they land. It’s a whole lot harder to speak kind, thoughtful words. Especially when there are difficult feelings involved.

Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.
–Leo Buscaglia

Unless you are an intentional hermit, you have human contact regularly. Whether it’s someone in your house or not, there is someone you could speak words of life to today.

In Order to Speak Words of Life, We Must Look to the Source of Life

The life of Jesus gives us tangible examples of how our words can show love and encouragement to others. When we read the words of Jesus, we see truth, mercy, compassion, love, and humility. He always spoke truthfully, but he did it in a way that made the recipient pause and listen, curious instead of defensive.

In John 4, Jesus speaks with a woman who is collecting water from the well. He spoke to her with:

Mercy…“If you only knew…” (verse 10)

Compassion…“those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again.” (v 13)

Truth…“You don’t have a husband” (v 17)

A New Perspective…“the time is coming when it will no longer matter” (v 21)

Love…“I am the One you’re looking for.” (v 26 TPT)

Think about how Jesus could have spoken to her. “Do you know who I am? If you knew, you’d give me that water! And you need to get your life together before you worry about where to worship.” But shame doesn’t inspire others to change.

Jesus spoke with truth, which could have turned her away. But something in his tone made her stay. Was it his gentleness and humility? There wasn’t a hint of condescension in his voice, so she listened. And as a result, so did many other Samaritans.

Jesus offered what people needed, love and compassion. Because he was different, those around him were interested in what he had to say and they let it actually change them.

Who can you impact with your words today? Pray that God will lead you in speaking words of life to those around you, to lead to the light and not the darkness, to build up instead of tear down, to speak blessing over curses. With God, it is possible.

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