Loneliness is a liar, telling us that we are “less than” or inadequate. Jealousy is a thief, stealing our joy and diminishing our gratitude. These negative emotions do not feel good, but they can be arrows, pointing us towards something we desire. What if this ache in our hearts is telling us we want more from our relationships and friendships? Can we lean in to that longing for more by asking some questions, and listening to what our heart is trying to tell us?
The Social Media Struggle
Here’s a story you might be familiar with. It’s a boring, regular Tuesday when I sit and scroll aimlessly through Facebook. Then I see that photo and I stop. In the photo, there are friends, smiling faces, cute outfits, and good food. It’s a party—and I wasn’t invited.
Maybe you’ve seen the same photo and you know how it feels. It might not have been a party, but maybe a trip or a girls night out or just some friends having coffee together. Either way, it hurts. The negative feelings cloud over my heart—loneliness, jealousy, inadequacy, self-pity…you name it, they are there. Maybe even anger.
And the next feeling that comes? It’s shame. “I shouldn’t feel this way. It’s just a group of friends having a good time. I’m not even that close to them, why would they invite me? I should not feel jealous because I am not a middle school girl anymore.” Then I close the app and move on. Except I haven’t really moved on. Will those same feelings come up again next time I see a photo of a friendly gathering?
God Made You for More
God did not make us so that we could live lonely lives, feeling unseen and unknown. Most of His commands and rules are about loving and serving one another, and treating each other how we want to be treated. His Word, from beginning to end, gives us a picture of community.
God lead His people out of Egypt together, as one. Festivals to the Lord were celebrated in community (not each family in its own tent). Jesus chose his closest friends, because even the son of God needed people—though he could have certainly done it alone. The New Testament church loved and supported each other with food, money, and love.
Jesus says in John 10: “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” Because relationships are important to God, surely He wants us in good, life-giving relationships, measured in quality not quantity.
Lean In, Not Away
The loneliness and isolation that many of us feel is “not good” (Genesis 2:18). But what can we do about it? Take this from someone who is really good at avoiding—it doesn’t solve anything, it just puts off the healing even longer. It’s not easy to peer into your heart and see why something hurts, but it can be worth it.
The first step is to examine the ache. Here are some questions I’ve asked myself:
- Why does seeing this picture (or whatever the incident may be) hurt so bad?
- Do I feel like these people were intentionally trying to hurt me?
- What is missing in my life that’s creating this hurt?
- What is one step I can take to fill this void in a healthy way? (One step—this won’t be solved overnight.)
- Is there someone I can talk to about this?
- What kind of friendships am I lacking that I would like to find?
- Do I have friendships that I’m neglecting or forgetting?
- Are my current friendships/relationships not serving me well? Is this my own doing?
I know that your answers will be different than mine. You might ask yourself these questions and realize you do have good friends. But some of us always feel like we’re on the outside looking in, and when we see group photos without us, it confirms what we tend to think about ourselves. Truthful examination reveals what’s really there that we could be missing because of the hurt.
If you desire a certain kind of friendship that you don’t have, you can take steps towards that. Maybe you want one friend that you can take walks or have coffee with. Or maybe you want to have a group of people in your home weekly. But you won’t know until you ask yourself the questions.
“Hunger isn’t a bad thing. Hunger produces a need for provision.”
Lysa TerKeurst, Finding I Am
The First and Greatest Relationship
We were designed to be in relationship with people, but let us not forget we were designed for relationship with God first. We cannot leave him out of the equation when we’re examining our negative feelings. Here are some ways to welcome God’s presence into the conversation.
1. Pray
Instead of asking God for what you want, ask Him to show you what you need. Then pray for courage to act on what He’s prompting you to do.
2. Read Scripture
If you’re asking God to show you something, it helps to read what He’s already said in His Word. I’m not saying you’re going to open your Bible straight to what you need by opening in the middle and reading it once. But a habit of meeting with God everyday will fill an ache that you didn’t know was there. And for me, reading the Bible convicted me more than ever that I needed people.
3. Follow the Spirit—Go and Do
How do you know if the Holy Spirit is speaking to you? I can’t answer that, except that we know the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience…When you’re faced with a choice, especially as it relates to people, consider whether it involves a fruit of the spirit. If it does, act on it.
This is what I say to myself:
Is this a loving text to send? If yes, then send it.
Is this a patient response to a difficult question? If yes, then respond.
Is this giving someone peace? If yes, then say it.
Is this a kind thing to do? If yes, then absolutely do it.
When fear holds me back, the stirring of the Spirit compels me to move forward.
Friend, have you asked yourself what you are longing for? Is it connection, purpose, being seen, feeling loved? We can fill the void in our hearts with so many things. But the only thing that lasts and truly satisfies is the love of Jesus. When you’re missing that, nothing can fill the hole—not a spouse, or a friend, or a job, or fame. Tell Jesus what you’re lacking. He already knows, but He sure wants you to talk to Him.
May you have the courage to search your heart. To talk to God about what’s missing, to tell Him what you desire and crave. And may you listen as He shows you the way towards wholeness and gives you the courage to take the first step.
Pin this image to save and share!
Excellent post!