Insecurity or Humility: How to Know the Difference

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“I used to think I was shy and humble,
but then I realized I was scared and proud.”
—SD Smith, Hopewriters Tuesday Teaching

Shy and humble, but instead scared and proud. How can humility and pride be confused with one another? Perhaps it’s in quietness*, with fear hiding in plain sight as humility. And what if insecurity is really pridefulness that’s scared to fall? That means, when we look humble we’re actually proud, the literal opposite. If it’s this complicated, how can we tell the difference between insecurity and humility?

God is the Knower of Hearts

We judge others by what we can see on the outside and we sometimes even judge our own selves by the image we project to others. If we can pretend we are something well enough, we can convince ourselves that we are that certain something. But God is the knower of hearts and he sees right through the facade we show others. Sometimes the outward signs of certain character traits look similar when the inner motivations are very different. Today I want to share with you what I’ve been learning about insecurity versus humility.

Insecurity = Fear

Let’s talk insecurity first. An insecure woman never feels like she can do anything right. She lets others go first so she can see how it’s done and she doesn’t look stupid when she doesn’t know how to do it. Her fear stops her from trying anything new because she’s worried she’ll fail. She looks for acceptance from others because she doesn’t have her own self-worth, while also trying not to look too needy. When things go wrong she will be terribly embarrassed and humiliated, convinced that she was right about never being able to achieve anything on her own.

An insecure woman is desperate for encouragement for others. When she doesn’t receive it, it only confirms her belief that she’s worthless.

Humility = Confidence

Now let’s contrast that with a woman of humility. She is quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. She lets others go first, not out of fear, but because she puts others above herself. She’s quiet, and doesn’t draw a lot of attention to herself. She doesn’t make a big deal out of her accomplishments, so you may not even know what they are. She might be standing in the background, but it’s not so that people will see her and invite her in, it’s because she’s truly okay with who she is. The humble woman shows up but doesn’t need recognition, handling conflicts with grace and patience. Another person’s opinion of her doesn’t damage her self-worth because she knows she is valued by God.

An insecure person and a humble person may both live quiet lives, but the reasons why are very different. We might assume an insecure person hiding in the background is humble when really their pride is too scared for them to fail in front of anyone, more consumed with what others think than what God thinks. Beloved reader, do you see how humility and insecurity can be confused with each other?

But Jesus, our gold standard for humility, didn’t hide in the background—he let everyone know he was there to carry out his Father’s will.

How to Tell the Difference between Insecurity and Humility

The only person on the earth who knows if you are shy and humble or prideful and scared is you. It’s not defined by your actions, but by the posture of your heart. Here is a chart to show the differences in what is going on inside the minds and hearts of these two different people:

Here’s the thing, insecurity can look like humility—or what we think humility looks like. But insecurity is often the result of fear, and even pride itself.

I’ve come to believe that what humility looks like is not quietness, smallness, and timidity, but actually humility looks like unwavering faith, high courage, and quiet confidence.** An insecure person is likely to hide, not using the gifts God has given her out of fear—fear of failure, success, embarrassment, being accused of taking up too much space. A humble woman uses her gifts out of obedience to God, even when others may not understand.

There are two men in the Bible, two kings, who illustrate these differences perfectly, Saul and David.

The Insecurity of Saul

The CSB version of the Bible labels Saul as “impressive” and “a head taller than anyone else” but Saul did not see himself this way. When Samuel the prophet tells Saul that he will become king of Israel, Saul only sees his smallness:  “Am I not a Benjaminite from the smallest of Israel’s tribes and isn’t my clan the least important of all the clans of the Benjaminite tribe?” Even more embarassing, when Samuel announces to the tribes their future king, they couldn’t find Saul anywhere. He was in hiding. Saul knew who God told him to be—and he hid.

When you are given a gift, the best way to honor the gift-giver is to use the actual gift, not hide it away somewhere.

When God gives you a gift, it is in humble obedience that you use it. What a way to honor God! Using your talents and offering back to God what He has given you is for his glory and for the service of others. We should not believe it is selfish and prideful to use a gift God has placed in our hearts.

Saul knew very clearly the power God was giving him, and he hid from it. Later from Saul’s own words we see that he places more importance on the reactions of others, very likely the reason he is hiding, over the words of God.

“I have sinned. I have transgressed the Lord’s command and your words.
Because I was afraid of the people, I obeyed them.”
I Samuel 15:24

We can even see in Saul’s life how pride walks hand in hand with insecurity. After a war victory, Saul builds a monument in his own name, rather than honoring and thanking God for the win. Saul felt so unimportant, even after God made him the most powerful man in Israel, that he was still desperately trying to make himself important in his own eyes—and the people’s eyes. His pride, fear, and insecurity clouded his judgement and kept him from fully belonging to God.

The Humility of David

King David is probably not the first person that comes to mind when we think of humility, but his story confirms my belief that humility looks like courage. David’s words give clues to his motives, while in battle and when in despair over his sin.

Before he takes down Goliath, an act of courage no other man would take on, he proclaims that he is fighting in God’s name, not his own name:  “I come against you in the name of the Lord of Armies, the God of the ranks of Israel.” Then later after being exposed for his sins against Bathsheba and Uriah, David takes his breaking heart to God and begs for forgiveness and a clean heart. He didn’t place the blame on anyone else; he knew he had sinned against God. David wasn’t perfect but he recognized his sinfulness, and he knew the only reason he had any power or was even alive was because God had been his help and strength.

I love you, Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock,
my fortress, and my deliverer,
my God, my rock where I seek refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold.
I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I was saved from my enemies.
Psalm 18:1-3

I wrote more about David’s humility in another post and if you’d like to read it, you can find it here.

God is Our Security

“We can be ourselves and give ourselves freely and openly, not worrying about doing it right or looking right or having it all together, because our value is set and secured by a God who first loved us. He’s been offering this life of peace and joy from the very beginning, but we have a way of tangling ourselves up in pride and insecurity, falling asleep to the truth, and focusing our eyes on the impossibilities and inadequacies instead of his unending grace and provision.”
-Emily Lex, Freely and Lightly, God’s Gracious Invitation to a Life of Quiet Confidence

The way to overcome insecurity is to believe what God says about you. You are holy and dearly loved, redeemed, and forgiven. You are clothed in strength and dignity, chosen and adopted by the best of fathers, the good and righteous, but gracious and merciful creator of the universe, God himself. He is faithful and trustworthy. When He says He will help you through your weaknesses, he means it.

Here is a prayer for times of struggle with insecurity…

Dear Lord and Father of mankind, forgive our foolish ways. Help us to look upward to you and straight ahead on the path you have laid before us. Remove the temptation to glance sideways to see how everyone else is doing it, but to only look to you for our worth and value. Grant us wisdom to empty ourselves of fear, pride, and insecurities, and to fill up on you. Your love, joy, patience, and goodness will keep us from disgrace even when we fail, your security helps us back up again when we fall. Let us dwell in your loving arms forever. Amen.

A verse of encouragement for you today:

We will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.
Galatians 5:26 The Message

Up next, I will be sharing Bible verses to help you with overcoming insecurity.

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*Insecurity is not always quiet. An insecure person can also be loud, the center of attention, and wanting to control all the things. However, for this blog post I’m considering how insecurity can be confused with humility and how insecurity looks on a shy, quiet person.

**These words are from the 21st birthday speech of Princess Elizabeth, who is now Her Majesty The Queen. I’m not an avid Royal follower, but I do watch The Crown!