How to Not Feel Lonely

Let me just say from the start that this is not “10 Steps to Never Feel Lonely Again.” I wish we could solve all the loneliness in the world with 10 simple steps, but the truth is that loneliness is a multi-dimensional problem, different for each person, and with no easy solutions.

I will also add this is all theoretical, because I have yet to perfect this, but here is what I know about loneliness:  We feel lonely when we feel unseen and unknown, no matter how many people are in the room with us. You can be surrounded by others and still feel alone, so what steps can we take towards feeling more seen, more known, and less lonley?

The answer is it’s not just the showing up, it’s having a reason for showing up. Think about how many times you have attended certain events only to leave feeling even more lonely than before you went. You’re thinking, “I showed up. I did the hard work. Why do I feel like it was useless? Why do I feel useless?”

I truly feel the first step in fighting loneliness is to believe that you have something to offer the world. You are uniquely you. No matter how many people are attending the same gathering as you, none of them are you. You have something to bring to the table, to serve and give out generously. And maybe the hard part is that it’s up to you to know what that something is.

If you’re lonely, ask yourself this question, “Who have I shown myself to lately?” The obvious but not so obvious truth is no one will know who you are if you’re not showing anyone. Have you seen yourself lately?

So often, we wait for others to notice us. We want to make ourselves small hoping that someone else will see something useful in us and build us up with their encouragement. But here’s what I’m learning:  You don’t need permission to be yourself.

Laura Tremaine just released a book called Share Your Stuff. I’ll Go First. We’re a year into a pandemic, so throwing a party to celebrate her book launch was not allowable. Instead of sitting around her home hoping for others to make a big deal out of her book, she chose to celebrate how she wanted, wearing a fabulous red ball gown, drinking Dr. Pepper, and eating her favorite sheet cake from Walmart. All her favorite things.

If it were normal times, and she had a party planning committee, I don’t think they would have chosen those things for her. But because she chose to celebrate herself, she was able to choose the things that she knew would make her feel special.

I know, I’ve jumped from having a reason for showing up to celebrating yourself, but they are connected and this is how:  You have to know yourself. Whether it’s for celebration or for serving, knowing what you like and dislike allows you to lean into your own unique design. What lights a fire in your soul and what leaves you feeling utterly drained? What actually makes you happy versus what you just think will make you happy? What comes naturally to you that is more work for others?

Just like Laura had to know what things would bring her joy to match the occasion, you can know what makes you your own unique self. Are you the friend that makes someone laugh or smile? Do you encourage the discouraged? Do you listen well? Do you volunteer to help behind the scenes without being asked? Do you help the ones who look lost?

Knowing and embracing who we are helps others to know and embrace us as well. Hiding even just parts of who we are separates and isolates us, leading to feelings of unworthiness. And yes, it is possible to show up and still be hidden.

I know what you’re thinking, “This sounds great Natalie, but is it Biblical? To know and celebrate myself?”

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Mark 12:30-31

The command to love your neighbor is based on the premise that you love God and you love yourself. That doesn’t mean we practice all the self-care tips and ignore our neighbors’ needs. It simply means we cannot love others well unless we love ourselves well. I don’t even think I can explain it except that I know it’s true in my life: The more acceptance I have for all the parts of myself, the more confidently I can love others. To love the ugly parts of me makes me much more gracious in my love for another flawed person. Likewise, when I believe in the good parts of me, I’m more secure to celebrate the good in a friend, foe, or neighbor.

In her book, The Next Right Thing*, Emily P. Freeman has a chapter titled “Come Home to Yourself” and she says this:

“I’ve had a lot of experience in walking up to the door of a house where I feel unwanted and unwelcome, because for years this is what I did to myself. I stood at the edge of the driveway of my own soul, unaware of the life that wanted to be lived on the other side of the door. Coming home to yourself is not always an easy thing to do. If you arrive at a house and the hostess stands on the porch shouting criticisms, judgments, and sarcasms at you, guess what you won’t want to do? Walk through the door. You will turn your back on that house every time and vow never to return. What if we stopped standing on our own front porch and bullying ourselves? What if we decided, instead, to be a gracious hostess to ourselves at the threshold of our own soul?”

When you love and accept who you are, you are more likely to show up fully as yourself, allowing yourself to be seen and known…and less lonely. You still may be wondering, but what if I don’t know my reason for showing up, my purpose?

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Ephesians 2:10 NLT

You are a masterpiece made by God, the brilliant, creative work of His hands. Have you been made new in Christ Jesus? Maybe you’ve been baptized, but you don’t feel like a new person because you’re still carrying around a load of shame, regret, guilt, and fear. As Paul says in Colossians, it is time to put off the old and put on the new:  compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience—first for yourself and then for others.

Every child of God was chosen by God to do good things. The good things vary from person to person. Your unique make up of personality type, temperament, energy level, training, education, interests, and upbringing will equip you for something entirely different from what I can do.

What is your mission? Is your mission to make someone feel loved? Is it to help? To make someone laugh? Is it your mission to make a child smile? Or is it simply to listen?

If you don’t know what you bring to the table, you can ask someone. You can ask a trusted friend and you can ask your Heavenly Father, who made you and delights in you. I’ll help you get started with this short prayer.

Dear God, You created me and know me deeper into my soul than I know my own self. Show me where you want me to go, what you want me to do, who you want me to be. Make my gifts obvious, help me to see them so I can use them. Let your goodness flow out of me as I walk the path you’ve laid before me. Show me the way.

In this post, I shared three books that helped me with creativity and purpose. One of them may be helpful you too. Look under the section “Connect with You.”

This is not a cure, my friend, but it is a step. Before you can change anything you have to have faith that you can do it. You must believe that you can show up as yourself and still be an encouragement, not a let down, to someone else.

I’ve given you three simple and easy HARD steps to not feel lonely:  Know yourself, love yourself, share yourself. God put you here for a reason. What you say and do matters. Every one of God’s children has a part to play in His plan. Now go live yours.

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*This is not relevant, but I’m always amazed at how blog posts come together. I was already working on this piece, when I read the chapter “Come Home to Yourself” in The Next Right Thing. I was reading about exactly what I had been writing. For me, I take this as confirmation that I’m on the right track.