How I Practice Kindness to Myself

“You can never love another person unless you are equally involved in the beautiful but difficult spiritual work of learning to love yourself.”
— John O’Donohue

Kindness to others is an essential element of the Christian life, demonstrated by Jesus himself. But kindness is a fruit of the Spirit that can’t just be placed upon our spiritual trees, like decorations—our fruits grow because of what’s going on inside of us. It is in abiding, trusting, leaning, and following; those are the verbs that grow evidence of God’s fruit in our lives.

Is Kindness to Yourself Biblical?

Believe it or not, the more time I spend with God, the more kindly I want to treat myself. The other choice would be to hate myself and wallow in self-pity, regret, guilt, and shame. But we see in the Bible how Jesus wants our heavy burdens, so that he can provide rest for our souls and we can live our lives to the fullest (Matthew 11:28-30; John 10:10). Giving Jesus your burdens so you can rest at his feet, that kind of kindness to yourself is important for living a peace-filled life.

Was Jesus Kind to Himself?

Why does kindness to yourself matter? Because the more gently you treat yourself, the more gently you will treat others. Do you think Jesus was kind to himself? We read no instances of him berating himself, judging or criticizing. When he’s crying a prayer to God, he’s not telling himself to “get it together, man!” He’s allowing himself a chance to grieve, to speak the fear that he feels, but to move forward in courage anyway.

Jesus was perfect, so maybe there was no opportunity for his beating himself up. But here are some things he could have said:

“Why can’t you just be more like them?”

“You don’t need to pray so much. God already knows everything. Just hold it in.”

“Don’t heal that guy. It will draw so much attention to yourself.”

Like Jesus, the kindness we give ourselves should be rooted in our desires to live God-pleasing lives.

Is it Prideful to Practice Kindness to Yourself?

Kindness to yourself doesn’t mean you allow your pride to take over, that you take lavish trips every weekend, or that you ignore others for the sake of self-care. Kindness to yourself is not not cooking dinner for your family; although it could be taking a nap so you have energy to cook, or planning ahead of time so you’re more prepared for that each day.

Kindness to myself sometimes means it’s painful now so that my future self will be thankful (see #1). Kindness to myself is about admitting what I need and not worrying how it appears to others (see #4). Kindness to myself is also knowing what exactly it is that I need in order to be the best Natalie I can (see #5).

We confuse what humility looks like sometimes. We think humility is always saying yes to others because we should not think too highly of ourselves. But what if humility is saying, “I need a break. I’m tired. I really want to help you, but I can’t today.” We must examine our own motives to know the difference between pride and humility in our own lives.

Here are some actual ways I practice kindness to myself:

1. I wake up early. I am a kinder, gentler, more patient mom when I have time to wake up and enjoy my coffee alone. This is key to the rest of my day going well.
2. I write. I used to hold it in, thinking it was selfish to spend so much time on a hobby. But the more time I spent with God, the more I wanted to write. To not write is to ignore how He made me. So here I am, doing what I feel He wants me to do.
3. I don’t try to keep up. Staying in touch with God allows me to say “yes” to what I believe He wants me to do and “no” to the things that aren’t for me to do.
4. I use a cleaning service. Cleaning my house depresses me, and I avoid it like a stomach virus. I used to play upbeat music to cheer myself up, but it didn’t work. So then I started playing sad music to match my mood and I actually enjoyed it more. But finally, my husband and I decided a cleaning service was the best option for us. Now I’m not beating myself up for not cleaning the toilets.
5. I enjoy quiet moments when I can. Naps, time alone outside with my coffee, reading, and hiding in the closet are all ways I can squeeze in some quietness. As an introvert, I need space to think. With three kids home, it’s more difficult, but it’s always necessary.

Those are ways I practice kindness to myself. How you practice kindness to yourself can look totally different.

Find Happiness Triggers

From one of the authors of Triggers, Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gently Biblical Responses, this Instagram post explains happiness triggers. Unlike the above ways I practice kindness to myself, these triggers make me instantly happy.

1. Morning Coffee
2. Nail polish
3. Cozy socks or slippers on my feet
4. Yummy smells
5. Reading
6. Listening to music
7. Afternoon coffee
8. Nature
9. Fun handlettering
10. Clean counters and table
11. Good pens
12. Sunsets
13. Coffee with a friend

God gave us our five senses to experience the amazing world he created: to behold beautiful colors, to smell delicious aromas, to feel soft socks on our feet, to listen to music, to taste what was made by the elements that He created. He could have made everything taste like broccoli, right? Then eating would not be near as enjoyable as it is.

He gave us this world to embrace and enjoy, with gratitude and thanksgiving.

Kindness to yourself is less about indulgence and more about making you feel like who you were made to be, walking in step with God along the way. How do you practice kindness to yourself? Maybe you’ve found some ideas here. Do you know your happiness triggers? Do you do at least one of them a day?

Let’s spend less time criticizing ourselves and spend more time enjoying God’s presence with us in our days. It’s this time with God that allows us to be more patient, more kind, and more gentle to ourselves and others. Because God is the ultimate teacher.

For you, Lord, are kind and ready to forgive, abounding in faithful love to all who call on you.
Psalm 86:5

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