I was at a new place, and things weren’t going well. I felt invisible, unseen, like I didn’t belong there. I needed guidance, and I felt like no one was willing to give it to me. I started to think all the negative things that come to mind when you feel out of place:
No one here likes me.
No one needs me.
What am I even doing here?
No one here wants to be my friend.
How can I make a difference here when it’s obvious I don’t even belong here?
But then I would feel ridiculous for even being upset about it. I felt like a girl stuck in middle school, waiting to be accepted and welcomed. I showed up to events to socialize, but then it was even more obvious to me that I didn’t belong. I joined small groups, but even there I felt like an outsider.
A Pattern of Unbelonging
I don’t put any blame on anyone that was there with me in this new place. Because, this wasn’t the first time I felt this. Looking back, I realize I always felt like an outsider, the third, fifth, or seventh wheel as others around me developed closer friendships.
There are some of us that need to know that people want to hear from us. We don’t just insert our opinions into the conversation. And to be honest, there have been times I have spoken up in a group of people, and no one heard me. It reinforces the belief that no one cares about me or see me or hears me, and it is so embarrassing.
I share all these things because I know I’m not the only one. Maybe you are friendly with everyone, but particularly close to no one.
Maybe you are showing up and joining different groups, but feel like you’re the odd one out.
Perhaps you feel invisible, and that if you weren’t there no one would even notice.
You want friends who know you as more than the quiet one, friends who know the things you are not saying. Ideally, you would have friends that ask your opinion and give you a chance to share it. You even want someone to share the hard things with. Probably, you want people in your life who welcome you and encourage you to show up and speak up. You want a friend who sees the gifts in you and gives you a safe place to use them. Maybe you dream of friends who think about you when you’re not around, and let you know it.
It’s Not Just Me
One day, I shared with a small group at my new place how I was feeling. “I feel lonely. I feel like no one wants to be my friend or talk to me.” Here I was confessing to a group that had allowed me in that I didn’t feel welcomed by them. Unfortunately, we can’t always explain our feelings. And one of them said, “Do you know how many women here have told me that same thing?” It was a moment of waking up for me. It became clear to me that while I was feeling sorry for myself, other women around me were feeling the same way. And maybe I was responsible for some of it—who was I allowing to feel lonely while I complained about feeling left out?
It’s Not Just You
I’ve read many books on loneliness and friendship over the last few years, and in every single one the author says some version of, “I’m writing this book, because I get emails everyday from women telling me how lonely they are.” This is not just a “me” problem, this is an “us” problem.
The typical advice for someone who is lonely is to “go make friends.” But what if you’re showing up, putting yourself in places to make friends, and it’s still not working? Are you broken? Are you destined to feel this way forever, watching friendships develop from the sidelines?
Finding Belonging in My Aloneness
When I finally felt seen, I was actually alone. When my third child was born, it required me to be home more, of course. And it was this pulling away and slowing down that allowed me to feel more like myself.
You see, there was this lovely time of day where I would’ve just dropped off my first two children at school when it was time for my little one to nap. After school drop-off, I would put her in a swing, make some coffee, turn on some peaceful music, then sit right next to her swing (Because she has a nearness radar, and if you’re not there, she’s not sleeping—this lasted way too long!). Then I’d open my She Reads Truth study book and read the Scripture for that day’s plan.
This, in the quiet, dark places was where I finally felt seen, known, and loved. It was the opposite of what I expected, that in my aloneness I actually felt less lonely.
Draw Near to God
While I had been looking to others to tell me who I was, I found my identity in reading who God says I am. Instead of feeling left out, God gave me a place to belong. The cloudy feeling of being lost became clarity as I asked God to lead me.
While I constantly worried about what others thought, God’s Word gave me freedom and purpose to be who He created me to be.
The more time I spent with God, the closer I felt His presence.
The verse “draw near to God and he will draw near to you” (James 4:8) was happening right in my living room. My prayers went from asking God for what I wanted to asking Him to show me what He wants for me. I found joy in meeting with God everyday—joy that I wasn’t finding in trying to belong to the people around me.
Draw Near to Yourself
The poet Rupi Kaur wrote “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.” In spending time with God, I wasn’t just learning more about God—I was learning about myself. The way God sees me as His treasured daughter, the grace that I receive from Him daily, the mercy that I don’t deserve, how I am not alone because He is faithfully near even when I’ve forgotten Him. I learned that the love He lavishes on me equips me to go and love others—instead of showing up in order to feel loved, I was strengthened knowing I was already loved, no matter how awkward a social gathering made me feel.
“Other people can’t satisfy your soul cravings.”
–Lisa Jo Baker, Never Unfriended
Draw Near to Others
I write about loneliness, but my goal isn’t for you to make a ton of friends and go on friend dates every Friday night. I want you to draw near to God, see yourself the way He sees you, and then you can move closer to others in a way that feels purposeful and intentional for you.
I’d like to end with a couple of verses. I hope these verses provide comfort, strength, and security as we tear down the walls we’ve built around ourselves.
Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
Psalm 62:1-2 NIV
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