I have a question for you. It’s a question about conflict and relationships, a groundbreaking thought to me, but maybe common sense for others. You see, there are those of us that crave peace and comfort over everything else. We hope that peace will work itself out, that if something is “meant to be” it will happen, and that there is no reason to stir a pot that doesn’t need to be stirred. Peacekeepers hold back how we really feel, keeping emotions hidden out of fear of disturbing anyone else’s peace. We think we are protecting our relationships by keeping them peaceful and comfortable.
But what if, and here’s the question I’ve been tossing around in my mind—
What if on the road to deeper relationships, conflict is not a detour off the path but is the actual way to your destination?
What I’m learning is that by not speaking up, by choosing to keep the peace, and by going with the flow, we’re actually contributing to our own loneliness. Even when we’re surrounded by people, we can feel unseen, unknown, and ultimately unloved, because we don’t show others who we really are.
It seems, unfortunately, by avoiding conflict we are creating the opposite of what most of us want. If we want deeper relationships where we can share the things that hurt and make us feel vulnerable—then we have to start by sharing what hurts and make us feel vulnerable. I know, it makes sense when typed out in black and white. And I also know that your heart may be beating faster already just thinking about facing conflict with a friend.
How Does God Feel about Conflict?
But what about God and the Christian’s role in conflict? A couple of years ago I read a book titled Nice: Why We Love to Be Liked and How God Calls Us to More by Sharon Hodde Miller. It was convicting for me to read about the differences between kindness (a fruit of the Spirit) and niceness (not a fruit of the Spirit). I realized that Jesus was always kind, but he was not nice. If you’ve been taught to “be nice” and you let grievances roll off of your back for the sake of comfort and keeping the peace, then you have to realize that this is not how Jesus lived. With grace, truth, and gentleness, Jesus lived a life of actively building bridges—restoring the divide between God and man, and drawing people closer together. Jesus knew that avoiding the truth did not serve relationships well.
One example of this is when Jesus made an intentional decision to travel through Samaria. He knew they would not like him there, but “he had to go” (John 4, NIV). While there, he sits next to a woman at a well, a woman who tries to fill her thirst for love with multiple husbands. Jesus knows that nearness alone does not equal connection. So, instead of sitting quietly, comfortably in silence, he speaks to her. He doesn’t avoid the difficult conversation. Jesus gently brings up her shortcomings and offers her a new, better way to fill the void in her heart and soul. He brings peace and comfort to a woman who feels isolated and alone. But he had to risk the conflict of having more than just a shallow conversation.
Jesus in Conflict and Relationships
In order to have true peace, there must be conflict to right wrongs. Jesus did not numb and ignore to avoid conflict. He faced discomfort in his pursuit of love and bringing us back to God. Jesus believed in this so much that he died for it.
For my fellow peace lovers, what purpose does God have for you that you are ignoring because it feels uncomfortable? How many friendships have you abandoned because you couldn’t address the conflict that was growing between you and the other person? Do you feel unseen and unheard because you haven’t spoken up about what’s going on inside of you?
For the next time we must enter into conflict, let’s look at Jesus. What can we learn from his “unforced rhythms of grace” while engaging in helpful, productive conflict? You don’t have to abandon who you are. In fact, the gifts God has given you are exactly for this. Your gentleness and quietness, your ability to listen and empathize, and your willingness to compromise make you just the person we need for more understanding of one another and less pointing of fingers in a loud, noisy world.
Considering Jesus, maybe I can offer us some encouragement for the next time we find ourselves moving towards conflict.
Have hope. Whenever I need to speak up about something, I immediately begin to imagine all the negative reactions. But I believe Jesus had hope that his difficult conversations would make things better, not worse. We have to change our thinking from the beginning or else we convince ourselves not to start the convo.
Go gently. Perhaps the opposite of avoiding conflict is not full on aggression. What if it’s a truthful, gentle, quiet answer.
Don’t wait. The longer we let an offense go, the harder it is to bring it up later. And unfortunately, unmended holes don’t fix themselves, they only grow larger.
Pray through it—before, during, and after. Ask God for wisdom to say the right things. Then go slowly and take deep breaths to avoid blurting out short, defensive answers. Conflict does not have to be fast-paced arguing back and forth. We need space to process even when that’s in the moment.
Give yourself grace. Conflict is messy, and you’re new at this, so it’s okay to be wobbly and nervous, to make mistakes even. But don’t let that stop you from speaking what’s on your heart.
Process it after—but with a time limit. I know what it’s like to have a hard conversation then to spend the rest of the day thinking about it and rehashing everything that was said or what you wished you would’ve said. Conflict feels very heavy, and we can let it weigh on us all day. Instead, give yourself 30 minutes to journal (or however you choose to process) how you feel after the conversation.
Let your body recover. After your set time, it’s time to move onto something else. That doesn’t mean you can’t go back and revisit the conversation later, but don’t stay stuck in a vulnerability hangover. Exercise, cook, clean, take a nap, soak in a bath, fold clothes while you listen to a podcast. Do what you have to do to move on with your day.
And Finally, A Prayer for the One Who Hates Conflict
Lord, we know you call us to be makers of peace and not pretenders of peace. Help us to use our voices for Your glory and for the good of our relationships. Let us be bridge builders, and not ones that let bridges crumble from lack of care and attention. Give us the courage to pursue conflict for the purpose of loving others well.
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