10 Tips to be More Patient with Your Children that Involve Resting Not Working

“How can I be more patient with my kids?”

It is a very common question when you’re with a group of parents. Unfortunately our kids see us at our worst. The ones who need our most attention and love are the ones who push us to the fine line between being sane adults and acting like children ourselves.

Our first instinct when we want to fix ourselves is to find verses in the Bible to memorize. Like…

James 1:20 – “The wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Psalm 4:4 – “Be angry and do not sin.”

James 1:19 – “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Memorizing Bible verses is awesome. But are we trying to work our way to more patience instead of resting our way there? Let me explain.

There’s real fruit and there’s fake fruit. In her book Nice, Sharon Hodde Miller compares a Christmas tree to an apple tree. Think about a Christmas tree that is fully decorated. It is beautiful and attractive with its lights and trinkets. But the “fruit” on that Christmas tree is not alive. The ornaments on the tree did not grow there; they were simply put there for decoration.

But the fruit of an apple tree is alive. It grew there because of what was inside the tree—the life-giving flow of nutrients. The apple tells us that there is life in this tree! The apple is God-glorifying fruit that naturally grew because of the healthy condition of the tree. If we want to produce good, God-glorifying fruit, we must begin with checking the condition of our hearts.

In John 15, Jesus says that he is the vine and we are the branches. The only way for a branch to produce fruit is to stay connected to the vine. If our fruit doesn’t come from our connection with the true vine, then our fruit is only for show. Our branch produces good fruit by remaining with the vine, not by decorating it ourselves.

Your words reveal the condition off our hearts (Luke 6:45). What do your impatient reactions to your children, your spouse, or the slow driver in front of you reveal about the condition of your heart?

What’s in your cup? Maybe you’ve heard the story before about being bumped while you’re holding a cup of coffee. You spill your coffee and when a friend says, “Why did you spill the coffee?” your answer is that someone bumped you. And your friend answers that you spilled coffee because that’s what was in your cup.

The moral is when you get bumped by life, whatever is inside of you is what will spill out. And our children are bumping us on the daily.

Are you spilling out anger? You can’t fill your mind with anxious thoughts and expect to pour out peace. You can’t hold on to anger for someone that hurt you and expect to spill out love. When you’re hurried and stressed, you will not be the patient parent you want to be. We cannot blame our impatience on our kids, we must take responsibility for what we’re holding in our hearts.

I’m reading the book Hands Free Mama with a group of moms. At our last meeting the idea was brought up that the way we talk to ourselves is the way we talk to our kids. If the message you are telling yourself is critical, condescending, and judgmental, then your words to your kids will be the same. But if the truth you speak to yourself is that you are loved and forgiven, then you will speak those same words over your children.

Soul care is important when we are tending to the souls of our children. Jesus was a servant who loved and gave like no other. We see through the pages of Scripture that he was always connected to the Father and he took care of himself. He knew he was loved and everything he did was to please God and not others.

The second greatest commandment, love others as you love yourself, implies that you love yourself already. To be honest, it’s easier to love others than to love myself. Loving someone else only requires doing something, showing up, speaking a kind word—it’s the work that we love to do showing others how “good” we are.

But loving ourselves requires rest. It requires resting in the love of God. It requires daily connection and surrender. Loving ourselves means slowing down and breathing in God’s presence, noticing God right there in the moments with us.

Tending to your heart is like tending a garden—we must supply the right nourishment, while keeping away what causes destruction.

Keeping all that in mind, here are ten tips for being more patient with your children that require resting, not working:

Know that you are loved by God.
Find a Bible verse that is meaningful to you and put it wherever you need to for daily reminders (your mirror, your phone, your kitchen, your car, all the places). I personally find comfort in The Message version of Isaiah 41:13: “Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.” Also Romans 5:8-11. Maybe for you it’s I John 3:1: “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God.” We all have different verses that make us feel loved. Find yours and keep it front and center.
Guard you heart.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). Soak up more of God’s Word and keep out what makes you restless, anxious, mad, or tempted to sin. This may mean limiting time watching the news, reading Facebook, or checking emails (are you checking work emails after work hours?).
Ask for forgiveness.
Do you have guilt, regret, or shame that follows you around? If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness (I John 1:9). Let God’s forgiveness soften your heart.
Forgive others.
Holding on to offenses against you is the fastest way to harden your heart. Forgive and let go so that person has no power over you anymore.
Learn to say no.
Are you too busy to have calm and patient reactions, hurrying from one thing to the next? Figure out what you can say no to so that you can say yes to having more self-control.
Turn down the volume.
Are you sensitive to loud noises? Many introverts are. When there’s a high volume of noise in my house, I am more likely to snap. You may have to escape outside or to your closet for ten minutes of quiet to feel more relaxed. You may also need to turn down the noise of distractions.
Make eye contact.
I’ve gone off on tangents while not even looking at my kids. Stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath or three, then look at your child’s face. Do you still feel like yelling and screaming?
Have hope.
The stories we tell ourselves really do impact our attitudes. Have you ever thought, “She will never learn how to put her shoes where they go!” That’s not really a true statement. But put some hope in your language and watch your attitude shift. “One day she’ll learn where her shoes go. But today it looks like I’ll have to remind her again.”
Know your triggers.
Know what sets you off and do your best to prevent those things. I know, you can’t abandon your kids, but you can put a stop to arguing before it reaches the boiling point. You can eat regularly so you don’t get hangry. You can go to bed at a decent time so you have plenty of sleep and you’re not so tired.
Meet with God everyday.
Reading God’s Word, praying, listening to worship music, going outside, walking while listening to Scripture, whichever way it is that you feel most connected to God, do some of that every day.

I pray that this post helps you. Know that I am not a perfect teacher, and that I am learning and growing right along with you! I’ll end with a quote from Lisa Bonnema:

“Soul care and nourishment are not good ideas or luxuries. I have learned they are necessary if I am going to live out the ways of Jesus. Love and grace have to come in before they can spill out.”

-from “The Part of Soul Care We Often Forget“